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All she said was that you’d taken a turn for the worse, and  I had better come home… I dropped everything and ran out of the office sobbing “Dad is bad, I have to go”; once I got to the car, I rang Luke to meet me there (he was still dropping the kids off at school); and I drove like a mad woman all the way around to your house praying constantly (and in a flood of tears the whole time). “Hang in there Dad, hold on – I need to say goodbye first. I am not ready yet, so hang in there” over and over again – how I got there safely, and didn’t get pulled over nor hit anyone, is just God looking out for me. Mum says I turned into the drive so fast she thought I was going to take the gate out. I will never forget that phonecall…
You were still with us – to this day I am not 100% sure of exactly what happened, but I understand you’d decided to try having a shower by yourself, so had got up while Mum was in the kitchen, to get yourself ready. Mum came out to …

Over the next few days / week, I will be publishing a series of posts that document Dad’s last month with us… I wrote this up last week, and it is more for my family and myself, so we don’t forget all those little details. 
But be aware that my posts are going to be very single-focused over the next little while, and I am not going to apologise… this is how I work through things, I write; always have, and quite likely always will. I haven’t always published them online admittedly – but times are changing. I also believe that grief is something everyone will have to endure at some stage in their lives, and while everyone works through things differently, there are still certain steps we all take as we weave our way through this unfamiliar territory. 
So this is also for those who have lost a loved one – a parent in particular… I know my journey is not the same as yours,, but we have both loved and lost a little bit of our heart. And while I don’t dare dream of sayin…

Dear Dad,
It is your first birthday without us; your first heavenly birthday… the last few days have seen me thinking back and remembering this time last year. From April onwards things went so fast, but your birthday was spent with you – not as much as I would have liked, but we got to present you with a beautiful family portrait, a collection of memories from Christmas 2016. It is a picture I still treasure, and we need to get it framed as well; still haven’t managed to do this (typical)… I don’t think any of us had any real idea just how ill you were by then, and how quickly time would take you – I am glad we didn’t know then, I think it would have broken my heart; just knowing it was your last birthday with us was enough to deal with on that day.

Last year was spent with you, trying to take in everything about you for future memories – future days without you; this year your birthday is probably going to be spent discussing headstones, memorials and other such cold, hard facts.…


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